January 2015, Drinking black coffee…
Listening to Fink “Yesterday was hard on all on us”
I caught the last train out from Platform Twenty and whilst I had lingered on the platform for months, now it was clear I had to leave.
I wasn’t fazed by the new journey before me; however the travel brochure was very vague. It displayed various options of destinations I had frequented in the last brochure.
Last time I cruised down pick up lane I experienced an awkward dance and even open heart surgery. I wasn’t sure I wanted to go there again. Besides that, my GPS was failing and I think I had lost my way. I thought maybe I should design my ‘ultimate destination’ to this delightful place.
I was quickly reminded that it takes two to tango and I’m not perfect and could never live up to being someone’s ‘ultimate destination’.
I can’t ignore this candle inside me that continues to burn and says I don’t want to do life solo. As much as I love my freedom, I know deep down I want to be better, and the only way to really do that is in community and relationship.
I believe being with someone was going to make me a better person. The mirror you never want but my, oh my, it would be helpful. That someone who could reel me in when this kite of mine was flying too high. Someone to remind me that better days were to come. Someone to show me that the world was a beautiful place. Someone to recheck the horizon with me and whisk me away on adventures.
But seriously who was that person? I’d searched the days of my twenties and I didn’t find him, nor did he find me. I worked out my immaturity on these semi-pseudo relationships with the tone, ‘I just want to be loved’.
Turns out that’s not enough, a dog will probably work for that.
I was older now and I wanted more.
Do you think for the life of me I could find said person?
I looked around at the prospects and I thought to myself really?????
I wanted to yell: “Grow Up”! or “Get a back bone!”
I knew this was too judgemental, and refrained.
However, the performer in me did think it would actually be quite the scene and definitely stun an audience.
I also wondered what someone might yell back at me.
“Just commit,” or “Stop responding to things emotionally”.
Why couldn’t we yell out compliments, and why did we see the negative over the positive?
I say we, because the amount of conversations I’ve had lately generally come across this topic.
We place them in the imaginary filing cabinet under TP. “The Prospectives”.
I wondered who would crack under this mental pressure? Who would compromise?
You know I have. I buckled under the no one is perfect and he has a great heart, a strong sense of character and I’m pretty sure he’s not an axe murderer.
Turns out after a few of these relationships I still haven’t come across this so called guy that was right for me.
Whenever I write these words I think to myself if he wasn’t right, was I right?
What did the years ahead hold for me?
What would make me be a better partner?
I had hoped that I would be married by now.
I’d kept myself relatively reserved in the world of relationships. What I mean is I’d kept watch over my heart not wanting to abuse it and let too many people in. I tried to be open but at the same time not allow for too many train wrecks.
Which leads me to the next question, ‘What do we tell the women at Platform Twenty’?
“Don’t dream up being married in your thirties with babies, because it might not actually happen”.
Great! Who invited me? I was ‘Negative Nancy’ and I was boring, sad and at the risk of becoming a cat lady.
True story: I write this insert with Mister Hobbit, a red cat/ tiger snuggled up on my bed on a warm summer’s day.
Why was I becoming this person? Was it accidental or intentional?
Look, I’m not the only one leaving Platform Twenty. Over the past six months I have found others here.
I stepped up to the platform with all these other strong, intelligent attractive, spiritual, mindful women who are all in the thirties and not seeing anybody.
So, what do we say then when we jet off ‘Platform Twenty’ with dreams still rolling around at the bottom of our handbag?
“YAY I’m thirty and I’m single”! or “I’m really happy with my own space I could do this till I die”.
Perhaps this one, “I’m honestly not fussed if I don’t get married, coming home to a quiet apartment is really amazing”.
Let me be clear it’s not just about marriage, babies or facing the life sentence of loneliness.
It’s about doing life with someone. I want to spur on another human, make love under the stars, dream of brighter days for humanity, raise a loud family, be vulnerable, fight to become better, swim together in the ocean, dance awkwardly with this person, open up our home or tent to others, hang pictures on the wall, have a veggie garden with this person, grow with someone and laugh on the floor with them until my belly hurts.
Not just ALL for me though.
With said person I had hoped that we together would build stronger greater relationships with like-minded people in the community that we find ourselves in. Together we would be present, open and supportive with other people in the wider community.
I’m still on the train of Thirty Something. Friends continue to get married and have children and I’m here Hans Solo with my ladies and we are heading out and forward.
Well, I think we are.
I continue to hold my dreams so close and trust that they will happen.
One more question though. Am I right for having these dreams?
Or was I living in a state of disillusion?
This is my Today.