“Do you have any goals for the year?” the psychologist asked me. Queue the awkward, long silence. I had nothing. The only thing crying out in my heart was “My Goal is to have children but I’m not allowed to say that.” I sheepishly looked up after what felt like ten a whole minutes. “I can only think of one thing but I’m not sure if it’s ok…”, I said. “What is it? There’s no wrong answer Gemma.” “All I really want to do is be a Mum, I don’t want anything else.”
It’s ok to have that as your goal.” We then spent some time brainstorming what I could do to increase my chances. You see, I’m one of the majorities of women who don’t get pregnant straight away. My husband and I decided to try for children last June. Month after month I hopefully searched for signs of pregnancy. Many dollars were spent on pregnancy tests.
Much more on Ben & Jerrys when I found only one pink line time and time again. And the way my body reminded me of a hope deferred felt like a cruel joke. That slow flood of aching pain into your lower abdomen, Back aching, nausea and not mention the massacre down in your underwear. Why can’t a nice double choc chip cookie drop from the sky with a little note attached to it reading, “Sorry, you’re not preggo this month, better luck next time!” Ugh.
Curled up on the bed, clutching a heat pack, tears dropping from my eyes. “When is it my turn?”, I sobbed to the powers that be upstairs. Friends around me getting pregnant and of course, I am overjoyed for each one of them for their good news. But I’ll go home, close the door behind me and grieve a dream delayed. I recently wrote in my diary after another failed month of trying:
Jan 8th: “I’ve made room in my heart for something that hasn’t come, so all I have left is a big empty space.” Have you ever been there?
There’s no comfort found in cliched responses. “It’ll happen at the right time.” “God will allow you to have children when you are ready.” “Just be patient.” True. But extremely unhelpful.
My young soul cries out to women all around. Have you been there? Can you relate?
Is there some wisdom I can garner from a shared experience?
Would you be vulnerable enough bring some comfort with a “Me too.” So I’m two months into 2018, with a goal that hasn’t been fulfilled. Well, not yet. On the cusp of 2018, I downloaded Amanda Viviers’ ‘New Days’ book.
I sat in a cafe and responded to the questions I have for the last four years. On that day I decided that I will not be the victim in my story. I choose to be my own hero.
There will be a day where two pink lines appear. But 99% of that is out of my control. So I sat down and wrote a 6,000-word application to a chaplaincy course at a local hospital.
I still have the same goal. But I want to be a Mum my kids can look up to.
A strong woman.
Living her dreams.
Have you had a hope deferred in the new year? I’m with you. I understand. Take some time to have your pity party.
But after, you must ask yourself, “How can I be my own hero in 2018?” Because there are some things in life we really cannot control. We can only Hope. Now, If you’ll excuse me I’m off to buy another pack of pregnancy tests and some ice cream.