Uncertainty – sometimes the more comfortable companion 2


“Mystery is not the absence of meaning, but the presence of more meaning than we can comprehend.”

Dennis Covington

You know those moments when you’ve been sleeping deeply and suddenly a loud noise has you wide awake, sitting bolt upright, your mind on full alert, ready to jump into action?

I’ll never forget a night like that when I was just thirteen. I was living with my family in a remote, dusty little town in Pakistan – a tiny little town right on the border between democracy and tribal-law. My family and the Melbourne family we lived alongside had sought special permission to work there and we were the first foreigners to have made it our home.

It was the Christmas holidays and our two families (with ten kids between us) had travelled twenty-four hours by train from our boarding school in the Himalayas to our family homes. I shared a room with my two younger brothers – they on a bunk-bed and me on a single-bed behind a partition. As the story often goes, one of my brothers fell from the top bunk while he slept. As he landed, he hit his head on a metal trunk next to the bed. The noise must have been substantial and I was woken immediately. I rushed around the corner to find my brother delirious, babbling incoherently and clearly not his usual self.

My dad rounded the corner soon after me and started to quickly determine the situation and what needed to be done. There were no hospitals or emergency services nearby but dad was a nurse and his colleague next-door was a doctor so after the initial check of my brother, my dad moved to get help from next-door. At that moment, before dad could move away, I said, “Wait, dad, we need to pray.” And there, before any other plan of action, my dad stopped in his tracks and stood with me to pray.

I sometimes look back at that moment and wonder at my faith. At just thirteen, I felt with absolute conviction, that the first thing to do was to pray. I had no doubt that there was a God of love that could be absolutely trusted and was worth calling out to. We didn’t understand the whole situation, we didn’t know the damage, we didn’t know the future, but we knew that we could pray.

I wish I could say that the certainty of my faith continued to remain so sure, but my faith took a battering on returning to Australia and into my adult years. Especially during my time at university, the questions, the doubts and the ‘logical’ explanations about life and our origins abounded. I listened to the naysayers, I heard the ridicule of those who think believing in God – any God – is medieval, unscientific, naive or weak. I heard I cried, I searched, I angered, I read and I prayed.

At the time it felt like tearing my heart out. I searched myself deeply and questioned my long-held beliefs in a quest to personally understand what I’d known since my childhood. I got to a point where my certainty about religion, tradition and theology was teetering precariously. I began to earnestly strip back the ‘easy answers’ when confronted with an often cruel, confusing and complex world. The journey was not a short one, but as I sifted through all the murkiness, I found at my core a simple faith that I couldn’t turn my back on; a very core belief in the absolute love of God. It was solid, it was sure and it was real.

That faith has stood the test of time and I now know that I can struggle with my doubts and questions about the state of the world while still believing in the ultimate existence of God. To be honest, I find that an element of uncertainty is a more comfortable companion than absolute certainty. There seems to be more room for kindness and compassion in this world when we can learn to listen and understand both sides of a story, and when we refrain from dishing out ‘easy answers’ to difficult questions. I believe in a God who can be trusted with my uncertainty and I pray along with the ancient prayer: ‘That I may understand anew how wide, how long, how high and how deep is the love of God, and that in his love I may find rest’.

Perhaps you think I’m crazy, or just deluded…but the unconditional love of God is one of those things I just can’t shake.

Esther x

About Esther Murray

Esther is a reader and a thinker and has always loved to write as a way of steering the intensity of thought into the invigorating energy of words. She enjoys exploring her quiet creative side, but also thrives on an animated and passionate conversation. Esther spent her childhood ‘overseas’ and can’t help but be shaped by this depth of experience. She has a Bachelor of Social Work and has a heart for the marginalised. She has a deep desire to see relationships flourish, people encouraged and the spiritual embraced. Esther lives in Perth, Western Australia and is married to Clive. Together they are investing their love and energy into raising their three young daughters.

2 thoughts on “Uncertainty – sometimes the more comfortable companion

  • Elaine Fraser

    I’m with you, Esther. I’ve questikned and wrestled, but keep coming back to the knowledge I have in my heart. The knowiledge that God is real. The knowledge that he loves me, loves all. The knowledge that is unable to be articulated, yet sits in my heart, my head, my soul, my spirit. And it sits in others and I see it in the light in their eyes.

    Beautiful post! Xxx

  • Shahesha Lock

    Beautiful Esther. Thank you. Despite our instinctual desire to grasp certainty, to minimise life’s vicissitudes, I’ve come to value the meaningful depths to which life’s uncertainties can take us. It turns out that “the opposite of Faith is not doubt but certainty. Certainty is missing the point entirely. Faith includes noticing the mess, the emptiness and discomfort, and letting it be there until some light returns.” – Anne Lamott

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