When Upstaged, Are We Unhinged or Undeterred? 8



Kinwomen

“The maxim ‘Nothing avails but perfection’ may be spelt shorter: ‘Paralysis’”

Winston Churchill

I have a story to share that winds back the clock almost 30 years. It’s a story about the time I got upstaged – and a little unhinged – by Genie Lynn and her flute recital. There I was, a young girl of about eleven, standing backstage, nervously clutching my piano score. I was about to perform in front of at least two-hundred of my school peers, parents and teachers. I knew my notes – I’d practiced diligently – but the jitters were well and truly present. Then, at the last minute there was a small change to the program and Genie Lynn (a student a couple of years older) was slotted-in just before me. As the sweet tones of her flute reverberated around the auditorium, I realised to my horror that Genie Lynn was playing my song – and playing it well!

I don’t remember much more about the music recital that day, but yikes how I remember the burning shame. I walked on to the stage shaking like a leaf and played my piano piece the worst I’d ever played it. I stumbled and bumbled and barely made it to the end. With an unconvincing little bow I ran off stage, out the back door and promptly collapsed into a blithering mess behind the toilet block – crying my heart out.

As an eleven-year-old I couldn’t grasp the platitudes of ‘just do your best’ when all I could hear was how good Genie Lynn sounded and how I knew I couldn’t measure up. After I played, I felt the deep shame of being overshadowed by a much better act, and the shame of embarrassment from messing up so badly. Although I was unaware of it then, I had removed my focus from what I was capable of and I only saw my inferiority. This left me insecure and floundering and resulted in a less-than-desired performance. My bad performance then only compounded the feelings of ‘not being good enough’.

Isn’t it like that sometimes?

When we become overwhelmed by the success of others and we hold ourselves to unrealistic comparisons we often divert our eyes from our own path – our own unique ‘calling’. When we only see our limitations and take our focus off our strengths, abilities or hard-work we can then find ourselves wallowing in self-doubt and self-criticism. For those of us who struggle with perfectionism, this can show up as an unhealthy and unrealistic striving to always be the best in order to gain approval. Or just as equally, when we feel that we might never measure up, we can get stuck in a paralysis of inaction or hide ourselves away rather than face the possibility of failure or disapproval.

As Dr. Brene Brown writes,

“Perfectionism is a self addictive belief system that fuels this primary thought: If I look perfect, and do everything perfectly, I can avoid or minimise the painful feelings of shame, judgement and blame….Perfectionism is not the same thing as striving to be your best….It’s a shield. It’s a twenty ton shield that we lug around thinking it will protect us when, in fact, it’s the thing that’s really  preventing us from flight.”

And Michael Law says,

“At its root, perfectionism isn’t really about a deep love of being meticulous. It’s about fear. Fear of making a mistake. Fear of disappointing others. Fear of failure. Fear of success…”

As I consider our theme this month – to fear less about our limitations – I don’t pretend to have it all sorted and I don’t pretend to have overcome all my insecurities. Acknowledging that limitations are an innate part of our humanity and learning to lean comfortably into healthy improvement, while leaning away from unhealthy striving, can be a challenge.

I deeply desire to live a life unhindered by the fear of being upstaged because I know with confidence that I’m living my truth and staying focused on my path. Even better, when I am upstaged (or just perceive someone better than myself) that I will be undeterred, confident in the knowledge that I have done my best and self-assured enough to celebrate another’s achievements. For me, it is also a challenge of faith: to trust in a strength and purpose beyond my own abilities, from a God, that I believe, holds the blueprints.

With no pretense of having it all together…

Esther xx

P.S Genie Lynn, if you ever read this, please know that I hold no grudge. I don’t remember any other performances that day, but I know you had no intention to ‘upstage’ and  you played beautifully.  🙂


About Esther Murray

As a bit of an idealist, Esther often dreams of a world where kindness is the currency and where no one ever suffers from hunger or mistreatment. In the hopes of making some part of this dream a reality, Esther studied a Bachelor of Social Work. She quickly discovered that she probably wasn’t going to save the world but could simply strive to make a difference in her everyday. Much later, as the sea of nappies, toys, teething and tantrums threatened to engulf the dreams of a former life, Esther began to write. Making meaning of a childhood in the Himalayas, the craziness of motherhood and the state of the world was a much-welcomed creative outlet. Esther loves doing life alongside her husband Clive raising their three young daughters. In her down-time Esther can be found drinking tea (never coffee), tinkering on the piano or bass-guitar, practicing her Urdu, rummaging the op-shops, or attempting some kind of DIY.


8 thoughts on “When Upstaged, Are We Unhinged or Undeterred?

  • Tracey

    What a poignant, real and powerful memory! I love your words here, I often compare myself with others despite knowing that its self-defeating! But being aware of it is the first step! Keep writing your truth, I love reading it xx

    • Esther Murray Post author

      Thank you for such kind and encouraging comments Tracey! I think the comparison game is such a normal part of being human and perhaps almost all of us struggle with it at some level. I agree – awareness always comes before change! Xx

  • Yvette

    Oh Esther I so needed to read this today as I prepare for a rather big deal speech I have to give tomorrow. I’m scared. I’m scared of going out there after Genie Lynn and giving a sub-standard performance. But your words help lot. I don’t need to be perfect. Trying to be perfect, and comparing myself to what other can do, is only going to paralyse me.

    Thanks Esther.

    Thanks for your writing.

    • Esther Murray Post author

      That’s so awesome Yvette. I’m so encouraged that this was an encouragement to you right when you needed it. I have no doubt you gave an amazing speech! Xx

  • Eunice Hill

    Esther, I’m so glad you tagged me on this. I had not idea tht you were writing and you have a lovely gift. Thank you for using it.
    Lovely to be in touch after so many years.

    • Esther Murray Post author

      Thank you so much Eunice for reading and for your encouraging comment. It’s been really great to find a voice for all my memories/stories from childhood and to use them in a way that makes meaning of our day-to-day.

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